I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’