A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Only short people can save us
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.