wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Lmaoo 😂
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.