*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks