Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
You Might Also Like
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning