[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I can also cook 😂
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse