Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
he looks great for his age
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.