“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Meowchelangelo
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.