Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.