My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form