Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
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I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Can. I. Help. You.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.