I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My first son he is wonderful
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”