Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.