I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Watermelon Boss!
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
A Short Story.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*