I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
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I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner