People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Aaaa…CHOO!
Yup
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*