My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”