hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Pat is about to own someone
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.