Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
You Might Also Like
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
This dude got his own movie?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.