it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Botany good plants lately?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
#merica
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean