DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
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We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
A man of commitment.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind