I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up