People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
You Might Also Like
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.