Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.