Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.