The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
You Might Also Like
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.