Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
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Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.