Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
That took me a moment.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
There are no pants in heaven.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao