Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Need WebMD
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH