My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
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Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead