I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Print is alive and well!!!
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different