Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
describing stardew valley
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.