My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
this isn’t threatening at all
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.