I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
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1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
#Caturday
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.