*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
You Might Also Like
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I just love that new Pope smell.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
This week’s mood.