I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby