[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.