Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Monday
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.