When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up