[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Made something I’m not proud of
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself