My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time