Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
You Might Also Like
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.