Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.