Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
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4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.