Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer