*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
can’t talk my ride’s here
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.