[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT