Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Can’t, holding a grudge
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks