Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
screw you
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play