I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together